I'm Spartacus!

I have a very important announcement to make: I am, in fact, the real father of Anna Nicole's baby. That's right. I have no regard for the life and death of this human being, and no concern for the life of this infant. I just want in on the big lawsuit by Anna Nicole's estate.

After all, this is the most important headline in the news media. Who cares if we are escalating the war in Iraq? Who cares if another 75 people were killed by car bombs? Who cares if polar ice caps are melting and there's less oxygen in the air? We need to keep our priorities straight. We need to keep focused on the day-to-day lives of so-called celebrities. We need to find dirt and scandal. Who is in rehab? Who has an eating disorder? Who's... doing who?

This is how we can avoid that boring, mundane thing called living our lives. This is how we can avoid the darkness of this world and our responsibility in it all. Tom Cruise got married. Oprah gained weight. Bill Clinton got a BJ. Yeehaw!

So, as the father of Anna Nicole's baby, I become part of what is really important. No more mere living, breathing human being, but part of the celebrity icon non-reality escape trivial pathetic. I am so proud of myself.